Eulogies Humorous
Jeez, what’s with everyone taking random weeks off? First Tool Academy took a week off when I was ready to write, then I took a week off when Tool Academy was ready to air. Boy do I feel foolish! Now I have to play catch up! To help me write today’s large two episode recap I’ve enlisted some help. While my old standby gin would only slow me down in this late race to the finish line, I’ve instead enlisted my old friend Yan Yan. It is a Japanese candy/snack with helpful things written on them. What do you say Yan Yan stick? “HORSE – GALLOP AWAY” So true Yan Yan, let’s get started, I don’t have any more time to mess around.
Neither does Tool Academy; they even used a short intro for this first episode! Woah! It IS time to get down to business, the business of being modest that is. Doc Trina reveals a mirror for the boys to talk themselves in. Extreme vanity masks insecurities and the using the mirror in this way will force the boys to drop the ego and get to the root of their problems. Big “I’m charming dammit” John is already getting pissed over even thinking about doing this little project.
John starts going on about how he used to be this scrawny kid when he was younger and how he still thinks of himself as this little guy. “WHALE – BIGGESY MAMMAL” That’s right poorly translated candy, he’s a big guy! But to add to his problems with his self-image he claims that his girlfriend calls him fat. “ELEPHANT – JUMBO” Ok delicious snack, lay off Big John already, you, much like his lady have now emotionally hurt him and now he finds you worthless. He leaves the room to calm down. After a bit he comes back and does the mirror therapy and it’s obvious the dude seriously hates himself. I think there might be a lot more here than a basic cable reality show can help. I have to admit that Big John is by and far my favorite tool on the show this season. Sure, there’s Dre P who’s more likeable, Stew who seems like he’d be fun to have a beer with, and even Frank, J Daddy and Charm who seem like they’re going to be good for some drama and craziness that makes every good reality show fun to watch, but Big John, he’s all that and more. Some of these guys seem very one dimensional while there’s at least an ounce depth to Big John. I hope he makes it far, I could watch this guy every week.
The other boys aren’t even as interesting in their mirror therapy as Big John. T-Shaw gets the cry face, Dan and Charm can’t seem to get over themselves and Frank is worried about getting older and he is only 23. There’s a bit of drama when after talking to Mirror Tyler, Real Tyler tries to give his lady back her promise ring, but for her nothing feels good and she rejects it for the time being. Apparently if happiness is all the rage for the two of them again, and Tyler shows some real growth she’ll slip the ring back on. Dre P and J Daddy are in the same boat as far as the fact that neither one of them really like the fact that their ladies are strippers and bring home the bacon (more on the awesomeness of bacon in the next episode). The big difference between the two is that Dre P can look himself in the mirror and talk about why it bothers him, J Daddy cannot. All J Daddy can do is cry like a bitch and get on his girlfriend’s case. This makes her finally reveal the fact that she’s a huge bitch. J Daddy and her deserve each other for oh so many reasons.
After the therapy it is time to unwind. “DUCK – GO FOR A SWIM” Way to call it Yan Yan, the boys are doing stupid frat boy tricks in the pool to reward the day’s work. Doing beer bongs, smashing beer cans and putting out cigarettes on foreheads then eating them. Those last two are courtesy of Big John. See what I told you! What’s not to love from this guy?
The next day is a challenge. The challenge is to do an honest days work. That work is heading on down to Schrute Farms and picking some beets. The boys suit up in overalls (Dre-P classes his gear up with a top hat) and off they go to pick. The tool with the most picked beets after two hours wins a date with their lady later in the evening, the standard Tool Academy prize.
Out in the field Charm and Big John can’t seem to shut up. At least John is being kind of humorous with quips such as “are we picking beet ‘cuz we’re dead beets?” and singing “if you’re happy and you know it grab a beet!” to Charms stupid ass babbling. Even when John is doing his impression of the Golly Green Giant he’s working. The same can’t be said for J Daddy who’s just whining and not doing much of anything at all.
In the end Mike wins the date, but maybe he’ll wish he didn’t. Most of the date is spent with his girl grilling him about his past affairs and reminding him that he’s a total screw up. The thing is she asked him why he cheated and he gave her a straight answer, he craves attention from anyone. She then starts to ask him specifics about the cheating and he keeps answering honestly and this just pisses her off even more. Not that answers he gave but that she’s been with him for a while and he’s just figuring what he’s doing wrong now. That and the fact that she thinks it is all an act anyway. “FOX – BEWARE OF LIES” Dammit Yan Yan, I need your sweet help to get all amped up and sugar rushed to finish this article, not for your editorial opinions!
Not that things are all biscuits and chocolaty cream back at the Girl’s Villa. Charm’s girl is starting some smack talk about the stripper girls. She even goes so far as to tell them that strippers ruin happy homes. The producers even have to step in to keep the peace. Someone remind these ladies that the point of Tool Academy isn’t to out do the boys.
When it comes down to elimination it is Charm versus J Daddy. For some dumb reason I was shocked when I saw J Daddy go. Why was that dumb? Because at the intro of the show they show all the boys being pissed off at Charm and kicking him out of the shared bedroom and we hadn’t seen any of that yet in the show. So it obviously happened after elimination when the other tool find that Charm gets to stay. Way to biff out Tool Academy. Either the other boys hate Charm because his “I Heart Charm” shirts are the very opposite of the modesty they were supposed to be learning or that they are all so totally jealous of his awesomeness. It depends who’s story you want to believe. They move his bed out into the living room as he yells at them to “Go talk to Trina” if they have a problem.
J Daddy is also having a hell of a time. He goes to face his girl and she asks him why he got kicked out. He very accurately says “Because I always pass the blame onto you.” After saying this she promptly break up with him telling him that he can’t get it together. J Daddy seems to think that she should be enrolled on a female version of Tool Academy. I must say that I totally agree.
“PANDA – GO FOR MORE” That’s right my snack-tastic pal, we have another episode to cover! Even better this episode is kicked off with copious amounts of bacon being fried up! Bacon is good! This is fact. Even vegans agree. “ZEBRA – HERBIVORE” Yes Yan Yan, even the zebras know that bacon is hella tasty, yeesh, it is common knowledge to all of God’s creatures. We also find out that there are rules of conduct in the Tool Academy, and that’s if you don’t help with breakfast, there’s no breakfast for you. This means you Charm.
It is now time for the boys to meet with Doc Trina, and only the boys, as the ladies are nowhere in sight. As it turns out the girls won’t be around, the boys need to learn to appreciate the girls by pretending they’re dead and giving eulogies for the girls. This is even done on a fakey lame funeral set complete with coffin, more glass jar candles than in the Mexican isle at the super market and the very best decoration of them all, a broken heart flower arrangement. Is this a real thing? Can I go into a florist and request the Heartbreaker Series #1373 and get that? (To see what Chelsea Hander had to say about it, click here, to find out what my Yan Yan Japanese candy had to say about it, read this next part: “MOLE – IN A HOLE” Tenuous at best Yan Yan, I’ll give you that due to the fact that coffins indeed go in a hole, but you’re going to have to step your game up.) The twist being that the girls are actually hiding in the coffins and can hear every word that these boys are saying as they cry over the girls. Is it a twist or is it very very obvious.
This goes about like you’d expect it to if you’ve been watching this show: Dre P and Stew do good, Frank, Tyler and T-Shaw all start to learn a lesson, Dan and Charm are douche bags, Mike doesn’t take it serious at all and Big John goes along with it and it touches him but he still makes a joke anyway. He’s a tough cookie but it really broke him up, to get over this he needs some “weights and a chicken sandwich. Stat!” “CHICKEN – KOKEKOKKO” Thanks but no thanks tasty buddy, while I’m interested in what Japanese chickens sound like I’m pretty sure that when it’s on a sandwich it is not saying much of anything.
The challenge this episode it going to be the tools watching their girls go on dates with so called True Perfect Gentlemen that steal the voices from the girls treat the girls like they should be treated. The very idea fills some of the girls with glee (especially Frank’s lady) who believe this is a great avenue for karma. They had to see their men fawning over and being fawned over a few episodes ago, so now it’s time for payback, and I hear that that can be a bitch.
In an effort to twist the knife a bit our host Jordan introduces our tools to the True Perfect Gentlemen who are all dressed up their finest black and white suits and tells the boys what the challenge will be. Jordon you must know that you just set up Big John, and we all know the boy’s a time bomb. After waiting a bit he breaks an outdoor lamp before taking it one step beyond. “MOUSE – DO NOT BE TIMID” Holding true to that John, joined by Frank and Mike, start heading over to fight the assembled TPGs. Big John gets taken down like a little bitch by 3 massive security guards, the TPGs take warning and pile limo before Frank can deliver a knockout punch and Tyler is busy trying to calm Mike by telling him to not let those bastards grind him down. What incited these 3 men to do somethin’ crazy? Well basically it was all the smirks the finely suited TPGs were tossing up at them. True Perfect Gentlemen or not, when you’re looking like the world’s smuggest ska band, you’re going to get your ass kicked by someone.
So the girls are on dates with the True Perfect Gentlemen and reactions are mixed. Stew and Dre P aren’t too bothered as their gals are not really into the TPGs at all. Big John’s girl is the same way but he does get a little upset when they shake hands at the end of the date. Unlike Big John, Frank has every reason to get big time upset, as his lady and her date are laying it on pretty thick. I almost found it uncomfortable to watch! He was getting mighty riled up, but he really should realize that this is what he’s been doing to her for a long ass time. Buck up hypocrite! But he’s nothing compared to Mike.
The date has just started and by Mike’s girl being friendly he immediately says she’s acting slutty. Watching a bit more he gets mad and breaks the table in front of him. Big John call him over, puts his arm around him and calms him down. “SQUIRREL – YOUR BEST FRIEND” Indeed Asian snack, indeed. This slight reprieve from being a total crazy man doesn’t last long at all. “BALOON – GOES POP” Mike doesn’t even finish watching the date before he’s running like a mad man through the house. He gets out side and is rolling around on the ground with the sprinklers spraying him, telling the producers to have his girlfriend pack her bags as she doesn’t deserve him anymore. I wonder how long it will take him to change his tune.
It doesn’t even take ten minutes, because once Mike is eliminated, he’s begging to have her back. Why wouldn’t he be eliminated? He was practically laughing at the funeral lesson and then was acting like an unhinged child during the challenge. There’s no one else in that house that deserved to leave more than him this episode. He is totally crying to his girl for her to keep him and she asks him if he will grow up. When he says yes she totally takes him by the hand and leads him to the limo to leave. “GOAT – YOU ARE LUCKY TODAY” He certainly was, even if it seems his girl didn’t want to keep him around any longer. If something else happened once they got in the limo, I missed it, my TiVo gave out, so I’m hoping there wasn’t anything awesome that happened.
So there we go, all caught up and arriving at the end of this entry rather sober. “GOLDEN EGG” Why thank you Yan Yan snack stick! I’m pretty impressed by it too. I’d also like to thank you for co-hosting this recap with me. You’ve been a real treat! (Shitty puns need love too!) So what do you have to say for your self? “STAG BEETLE – LOVE IT” Dammit Yan Yan, that didn’t make no got-dang sense. To my belly with you!
If you some how missed my previous recap, check out Episode 2
Yan Yan photo by Ingorrr
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